Marriage Reflections - Part 2

In the last blog post I wrote about the first of four marriage principles that I talked about when we spoke the last two Sunday evenings. The first life skill or principle was "growth begins where blaming ends."

I received an e-mail from a person who read that post and then wrote in detail about how that life skill was new to him and it really struck him with the truth of it. That's always encouraging, to know that someone reads and especially that someone is helped.

The second marriage principle that I chose to speak about from the many that we've learned over the years, was "marital collusive games." I first came across this in a book, Intimate Partners-Patterns in Love and Marriage by Maggie Scarf. This book is not written from a Biblical perspective, but it has many truths that when applied are very helpful.

I first explained the word "collusive." The dictionary says: a secret or illegal cooperation or conspiracy, esp. in order to cheat or deceive others. The origin is
late Middle English: from Latin collusion-, from colludere ‘have a secret agreement’ (see collude.

I like the simple definition given in the origin of the word: to have a secret agreement. When a couple marries, unknown to them, they often make an agreement between them that is worked out between them in their marital life. Perhaps a couple of examples will help explain.

I'll use our experiences. The first involves anger. Looking back we realized that I had "secretly agreed without knowing it" or "colluded" to be the good girl and denounce anger. That agreement meant that Paul had to carry all the anger for both of us.

Here's how it worked: One day I saw a coach cuss our son out for something he did on the baseball field. It was just a summer pickup league and this was our first experience with that coach. I saw the coach angrily yell at Brett, but Paul didn't. He was visiting with some friends he was sitting with.

On the way home, I inquired if he had seen that. When he said no that he hadn't, I relayed the incident to him. He got very angry and went to the coach's home and had a talk with him. When he came home, I condemned him for his anger. He should not have done that, he was a pastor and should set a better example.

That's a collusive marital game. The game being played is that I had to keep my "good girl" image in place, so I transferred all the anger I felt and needed to express to Paul so he would, and then I could condemn him for being angry. But, notice that the anger got expressed.

For years we carried our labels well. Then through various circumstances and events over a period of a few years, we both learned to carry our own anger, own it and express it in non-harmful ways. What a switch!! I lost my good girl label and became real and normal. Paul lost his angry label and became real and normal.

That's just one example. Another example along the same lines is our preference of music. I was the good Christian girl who wanted to listen to and wanted my kids to listen only to Christian music. (Actually I know that no music is "Christian," only people can be Christ-like or Christian, but everyone calls it that, so I'm taking a little license here.) Paul liked Country & Western and 50's music. We kept these pretty separate. When I began to learn C&W music, Paul had a real problem. I was shattering his good-girl image of me. I was stepping out of this collusive marital game that we didn't even know we had set up. Now we both enjoy all types of music, very much suiting our own tastes. I love to two-step to C&W music, I love classical music, I love opera! And I still like most Christian music. Paul didn't have to do much changing on this one, I was the major culprit and game player.

We've had a few other collusive marital games that we've identified and exposed in our relationship. While we were raising children, Paul liked to wear the white hat; i.e., he liked to say "yes" to the kids' requests without thinking through all the ramifications. I wore the black hat. I usually said "no" and then might rethink it, but I was always aware of all the dangers and what-ifs and the responsibilities and schedules that had to be considered. We were a little late learning this one. We didn't recognize and pull out of this collusive game until the kids were almost grown.

We also had a great collusive marital game going about money. I was the saver, the check balancer, the no credit partner. He was the spender, the loaner, the borrower, the credit guy. This was a big one and took many fights, make-ups, learning, and practicing before we finally identified this collusive. It was a slow process coming to reality in this area, but we have been successful!

A sub-title for this post could be "The Games People Play."

Paul and I can visit with a couple for awhile and pretty well identify their collusive marital games. Not that we share with them what we see, but it helps us understand and relate to others.

Identifying your collusive marital games is not a one-discussion, let's figure this out kind of thing. It works well when both partners are committed to loving each other and wanting to give their best individually and get the most out of their partnership. I highly recommend it with this disclaimer, it's tough work and sometimes painful, but so worth it.
MB

Marriage Reflections

Paul and I have been invited to speak on marriage recently, and this has caused us to reflect back over our 51 years of marriage and list and share important truths and concepts we've learned and tried to practice.

This last weekend we shared at Emmanuel in Enid, and the two marriage principles I talked about that had literally changed me and my relationship with Paul were these two: Growth begins where blaming ends, and Discovering your collusive marital games.

I learned about the first one while reading the book, Happiness Is an Inside Job by John Powell, and this was several years ago. This literally turned my world upside down. I reassessed my thinking after realizing I was not "owning" my own actions and emotions. I was quite the blamer. I thought because someone else did so-and-so, that made me sad or that made me angry or that made me whatever. Their actions made me feel the way I was feeling.

The little phrase, growth begins where blaming ends, stopped me in my tracks. Some of my phraseology was, "If only..." meaning if only so-and-so had not done that, or if only so-and-so didn't treat me like that. I finally began to hear myself and how I was thinking. If I wanted to grow and mature emotionally, I realized blaming others for my thoughts, feelings, and actions had to stop!!

And it did. And I began to grow emotionally and take ownership of my actions, which is easier, and my emotions, which is much harder. I now know and try to live within this fact that my feelings and emotions are caused by what's already within me; i.e., how I think, what my history is, what my baggage is, etc.

And my growth has involved knowing that what I'm feeling and what's causing my emotions are mine and I have choices and I can more clearly see these when I quit blaming others and realize choices are mine. Granted, what others do and say are stimulants and spark what's already within me, but what I say, do, and feel are mine!

That was a tough life lesson to learn and sometimes it's tough to live by, but it's getting easier. And, it's definitely very freeing. I'm not "owned" by others and I cannot and do not want to "blame" others for what's mine.

This has become and probably will always be one of my favorite life skills: Growth begins where blaming ends.

I'll write about the second one in my next post. And, hopefully that will be sooner than this one was from my last. How time flies!

Life is good!!
MB

Being Both Young and Old

Being young


Being old aka mature

Below is one of the daily devotionals I read today. I took a little license and reworded some of the nouns to make it applicable to both male and female. Thought it was pretty good.

MASCULINE/FEMININE SPIRITUALITY

Question of the Day:
How can a person befriend both the young person and the old person within?

I believe in every person there are two basic archetypes and they are most simple:  the young boy/girl and the old man/woman.  In many of our lives, one or the other totally dominates, some never grow up and others never grow down. The ideal is when the two become friends and meet somewhere in the middle.  That is the “grand” father/mother that we all love and need.

The young inspires the blossoming of things; the old presides over the harvest.  The young hopes and expects and is naturally optimistic.  I remember feeling that way when I was young: “It is still coming; it’s out there, wherever it is.”  Now in my sixties “it” seems to have already happened, and I have struck the mother lode, the unified field underneath. Now life deserves both tears and laughter, I can be both grounded and free, both young and old at the same time.

Our native peoples said that “the young man who cannot weep is a savage and the old man who cannot laugh is a fool.”

From Despair to Hope

Our friends, Rex and Sherry Holt, pastor Conejo Church in CA. They started this church and they are having a wonderful ministry. Rex and Sherry were our associates back in the seventies when we pastored in Wichita Falls. We've stayed friends all these years.

The Holts have three children, and the story of their coming is a miracle in itself. They were childless for 17 years and looked into adoption. In fact, they were very close one time to receiving a child through adoption but they were already headed for the mission field in Africa and had to decline. It was a heart-breaking time. I remember questioning the whole timing thing. The rest of their story is included below in Rex's e-mail to his church members this weekend. I grabbed two pictures off their church Web site so you could see Rex in the guy-picture (the white hair one) and Sherry in the middle of the church-dinner picture; one of their daughters is the one in the forefront. Great folks! Just wanted to share one of their ministry times.




Here's the e-mail Rex sent to his church members:
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Cor. 1:3-5

We arrived home from Haiti this afternoon. It was a wild and wonderful adventure that started last Monday on Memorial Day.

We spent the night in Miami before arriving in Haiti early Tuesday morning. Our team of 8 people settled into our home for the week--small tents pitched in the front yard of a house with no running water. We purchased bottled water, put on a lot of mosquito repellent and began to prepare for a week of ministry.

A part of the team worked at Lamothe in Port-au-Prince to complete a reservoir that will provide water for this village of 600 families.

Curtis Johnson, Executive Pastor at Calvary Community, and I led a 2-day training workshop for 80 pastors in the Port-au-Prince area. "Leadership during a time of crisis" was the subject of the workshops. We looked at leadership principles from Jeremiah 29 and from the book of Nehemiah.

The first of 6 leadership lessons was, "During a time of crisis leaders must face reality." At this point I asked, "What are the realities that you are facing as a result of the January 12 earthquake in Haiti?"

I was not prepared for what happened next.

"I lost my wife," said one pastor. "She was away from the house and just disappeared." "We never found her body."

"My wife was teaching her class with 10 students," another pastor said. "A few minutes after the earthquake I came to the collapsed school building and saw her laying face down," he explained, "but we could not get the cement boulders off of her in time." "My wife and all 10 of the school children died."

One pastor who appeared to be in his thirties lost two children in the earthquake. All of the pastors lost their homes, their church buildings and practically all of their possessions.

Most of these pastors are living in tents with their families in what many of us would call impossible conditions. One man told of his father who had worked hard all his life to build his home and had several rental houses that would provide a living for him in retirement. The earthquake destroyed all the houses and thus his retirement was gone. I asked him if his father had insurance on these houses. He shook his head and said, "We don't have things like that in Haiti." The man is now living with a relative.

But the harshest of all realities is the emotional pain and distress these pastors expressed. They are concerned about the emotional and mental well-being of their wives and children and church members. Life will never return to normal for these pastors.

And yet in the midst of this untold pain, there shined the light of hope. It is the hope that Jesus gives to his people when life tumbles in. Over and over we referred to this great promise for people in captivity and great tribulation.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

During a morning session on Friday I became overwhelmed with the intensity of their pain. I felt I couldn't go on. I had nothing more to give. Nothing more to say. I felt a chilling despair. I turned to Curtis and said, "I've got to stop: I'm done." He came up, spoke a few words and said, "Let's pray." During his prayer I felt an unusual touch from the Holy Spirit. I got my heart and my hope back. Suddenly, I felt refreshed and knew exactly what I was to do.

I shared my story.

I told them how God gave us children when there was no hope of us ever having children. I told them how the Africans prayed and would not give up. I told them about their simple, child-like faith and how God answered their prayers after 17 years of childless marriage. I told them how Abraham who against all hope, in hope believed. I told them how the Africans during those days would say to me, "Pasteur, ayez un coeur d'espoir" - "Pastor, have a heart of hope."

I could see God giving these pastors a heart of hope.

At the end of the workshops the pastors gathered around to thank us for coming, for listening, and for sharing a message of hope. I am convinced that they are now facing the future with a new confidence and hope. I feel they have some tools that will help them lead their churches and communities to rise up and rebuild.

Though I was the only one from our Conejo Church family on Haitian soil last week, I believe we were all there in spirit. I felt your prayers. I felt your support and encouragement. Thank you!

May the quietness, confidence, and joy of our Lord be your strength this week. We have been given much. We have been blessed so that we can be a blessing.

Have a heart of hope. The best is yet to come.

In His grip of grace,

Rex

Memorial Day--The Dash

A friend of mine posted a blog entry that talked about when you write about a person's life, one who has died, you usually list the date of birth, a dash, and then the date of death. The point is made that the most important part of this is not the date of birth nor the date of death but the dash in between, which represents how one lives their life.

Here's a great little video that shows this beautifully.

Thought this was pretty appropriate for Memorial Day.
MB

The Month of May: Triumphs and Tragedies

The month of May in OK is known as tornado month.

This year it's already lived up to its name. We had an outbreak of tornados on May the 10th that followed six paths across the state: two in the south central section, two in the central section that tracked east following Highway 9 and the other one following I40, and then we had two across the northeastern section of the state. Over two dozen tornados touched down and several caused extensive damage.


That comprises some of the tragedies. We also lost a dear friend of years ago who died last week. Very sad. Today is the birthday of Paul's Mom who died a year and a half ago. These have been some sad things that have happened.

But for us the month of May could be called the month of birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, and then there's Mother's Day. We had fun celebrating my Mom's 73rd year to celebrate Mother's Day. We had a family cleaning day (outside porches) and a patio picnic. She was very appreciative.

We have five family birthdays in May and one anniversary. We've already celebrated one of these and have five to go. Keeps me on my toes making sure I remember and prepare for each.

One of our special treats this May was attending a high school graduation of over a thousand graduates and watching one of our grandsons receive his diploma. He also received a full scholarship to the university he will attend next fall. Very exciting and thrilling for us as grandparents.


We also got to attend an awards banquet for graduate nurses in which our daughter-in-law was pinned and received four different awards. We were privileged to be invited and get to sit with our son's family.


My reality check about these things is that life is made up of both sad things and things to celebrate. It's all a mix. We have fun and enjoy the wonderful happenings and we're saddened and feel loss at the bad things that happen. Nothing extraordinarily profound about any of this, just musings.

Still, life is good and it's good to be alive to celebrate and to sympathize and to feel with others. It's a challenge to find meaning in both and a good exercise.
MB

Say What?

If you're reading this, I'm surprised. I go so long between blog posts that I figure I probably lose what few readers I have. Anyway, I'm back. Thanks to those of you who've requested I write and who have questioned where I've been. I appreciate that.

I want to share a story that was shared with me recently.

This young couple who are in the ministry and have a position with a church moved to a new community and proceeded to meet their neighbors. One of their neighbors was a gay couple of men. The ministry couple visited with them and they became friends. They shared meals and visits and enjoyed each other's company.

The subject of their professions didn't come up for a long time.

When it did, the young couple declined revealing what they did for a living. It became a push-and-pull fun discussion. The young man said he couldn't tell them what he did, he just couldn't. They thought that was odd and kept pushing. The young man replied that he was pretty sure they wouldn't like him when they learned what he did, so he preferred not telling them.

Once a promise was extracted that no matter what the young man did, the gay couple would remain the young couple's friends. With that promise sealed, the young man revealed that he was a youth minister in a church.

Shock, shock! Unbelief!! How could such a loving, accepting young couple be ministers in a church? Impossible. But, they were reminded of their promise.

Then extreme shock when the denomination was revealed. This just couldn't be. It was so out of the norm and so not what the gay couple had experienced from anyone with the name Christian, much less in the ministry.

Well, the "rest of the story" is that the four are still very good friends, and even though they've both moved to different locations, they still stay in touch.

I love this story. It's a true story. The ideal would be that this would be the norm. If Christians are to be known by the love they have for each other and for others, it would be.

I'm just sayin'. . .
MB