Monday, September 8, 2008
Friends vs Parents
Recently at Paul's ministry board meeting, a board member asked our family members who were there to gather so she could take a picture. This picture was taken August 16. Front row: Melody (our daughter), yours truly, Paul, Cherri (our daughter). Back row l to r: Tony (Mel's husband), Wade (our son), Rachelle (Wade's wife), Kelly (Brett's wife), and Brett (our son). Mike (Cherri's husband) is not in the picture. He was with his mom in an unscheduled call for help she needed from him.
This picture is priceless to me as it represents people I love very much. It also prompted me to write another post regarding adult children and our relationship to them.
Early on when our children started marrying and establishing homes of their own, we began to experience something that was different for us. It didn't seem right to keep advising and treating our children as children and not as adults. It was awhile in coming, but we finally did get there.
Paul and I talked about it and realized our "parenting" days were over and had been for some time. We had done what we could, we had made many mistakes, we had done some things right, but all things considered, the time for that opportunity was over. We now wanted to be "friends" with our adult children and treat them as such, and not do the "parenting" tasks or talk any more.
So as much as we could, we then began treating our adult children as our adult friends. We didn't start out that way, especially I didn't. I was "Miss Advice-Giver." I knew how to do it all, and I was still very much in that mode. I gradually quit just giving advice and began waiting to be asked, but I was still quick-on-the-trigger with what should be done. I was going through many changes in my own life, one of which included attending a listening seminar where I learned a wonderful truth: "Don't should on people." I was such a you should person, that was a real change-point in my life. I also learned that listening was a learned relational skill that I needed to learn, to practice, and to incorporate into all my relationships. What a challenge!
Today, I think I can honestly say to and about all those other people in the above picture, these are all my adult friends. I love them very much and enjoy their friendship.
A serendipity of this is that I, the Mom, have had such a release of feeling responsible. I can truly enjoy the relationships, and I do.
Of course, we've had some criticism. Other parents and grandparents tell us and our friend-children that once a parent, always a parent. We agree with the distinction that we will always be our children's mother and father. We love that and are so glad that doesn't change. We view parenting as a role and responsibility. All we're saying is that parenting ends when the child leaves the parent's home. Relationships continue and roles change.
We love it and highly recommend this way of life. Just sharing...